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Post by sunstar on Feb 23, 2009 19:23:28 GMT -5
Here is my first fanfic here! It is about a small white alicorn with dark purple and white hair. she is an experiment that escapes from her captors and goes into hiding in Dream Valley.
Footsteps echoed down the cold metal corridor. An earthling stallion in a white lab coat walked by a row of tiny cells. beside him, a smaller pegasus stallion followed. he pushed a cart along on which sat a black bag. they were watched by a small white Alicorn with dark purple and white hair. She watched as they stopped at a cell that was two doors down from hers. the bigger stallion used a dog catcher pole to poke the black furry thing in the cell. Then the pegasus reached in to drag it out and suddenly let out a high pitched scream.
"It bit me!" the pegasus held up his hoof which showed two teeth marks in the flesh, "it's not dead yet!"
"Then leave it." the earthling rolled his eyes and walked off, stopping in front of the alicorns cell, "the boss wants us to bring him the alicorn."
"And that ALICORN is not going anywhere!" the alicorn snapped from inside the cell, "because you two clowns are going to set me free!"
"We can't do that. the boss would throw us in here and experiment on us." the pegasus shuddered. unfortunately, he accidentally knocked his cart into gear. it rolled into the earthling, who was forced to ride it as it gained speed by going down an incline. the pegasus chased after the cart, screaming at his partner to jump off. the Alicorn shook her head in exasperation. she was greeted with a loud thump and a scream from the earthling, who was now pinned to the wall by the heavy cart.
I'll post more later tonight!
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Post by ladymoondancer on Feb 23, 2009 19:44:56 GMT -5
Great start, I can't wait to find out more about the alicorn! Ha ha, I had to laugh as the earthling rolled away on the cart. Serves him right. ;D
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caelum
Full Member
Resident Grammar Nazi! XD
Posts: 184
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Post by caelum on Feb 23, 2009 20:00:17 GMT -5
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Post by sunstar on Feb 23, 2009 20:14:36 GMT -5
Fluttercorn, unipegasus, the list goes on. I didn't know that. thanks for sharing that with us. you're right, it is funny on how many names there are for the winged unicorn.
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Post by sunstar on Feb 23, 2009 21:52:03 GMT -5
She didn't see any other living pony other then the two other experiments cramed into a cell together for days after that. a new pony came after four days with a catchpole. this pony was slim, and green. even his eyes were green. his hair was a vibrant green. He opened the door and slipped the catchpole around her neck. the Alicorn tensed. She suddenly darted forward and struck hard. the pony grunted, and dropped the catch pole. the Alicorn ran. the pole bounced along behind her, striking her, forcing her to run in blind terror.
"Lose Experiment!" the green pony grunted loudly.
She ran toward a half open door, thinking she could jump it. before she got close enough, the pegasus from eariler stuck his head out through the opening and reached for the pole. the alicorn banked a hard right, and lept airborne. the pole wacked the pegasuses face. he sat on his haunches, stunned, holding his now broken bloody nose.
"What are you sitting around for? get moving! you know I can't!" the Earthling screamed at him.
"be boke by bose!" the pegasus wailed back.
A window flashed by. She arched toward it, and hit metal bars. something fired, and she swerved to avoid a dart.
"Get a pegasus in the air you fools!" an authorative voice commanded, "She must not escape!"
"But by bose!" the pegasus wailed.
"Do I care?" the voice asked acidly.
"But Basid Bire!" the pegasus cried.
"Go, Sky Dancer!" Acid Fire ordered.
"And while he argues with his boss, the Alicorn escapes!" the Alicorn called, worming through the bars and getting outside. Sky Dancer tried to follow, but ended up getting stuck. The alicorn ran toward the woods. the first thing she did was ditch the pole, and the next thing was take off into the air. She had gotten out, now what?
And here is later!
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Post by BrightGlow on Feb 24, 2009 6:01:55 GMT -5
Sounds intresting, I'll read it afther I get home from school. I can't wait it.
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Post by sparkler on Feb 24, 2009 11:18:57 GMT -5
Oooooh I can't wait to read the rest of this! Intriguing start so far! - §parky
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Post by SilverWolf on Feb 24, 2009 11:39:59 GMT -5
Wow thats really good xD Can't wait for more!!
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caelum
Full Member
Resident Grammar Nazi! XD
Posts: 184
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Post by caelum on Feb 24, 2009 11:58:50 GMT -5
Now what, indeed. Nice escape! Poor Sky Dancer... XD Glad the Alicorn/Unipeg/Winged Unicorn/Whatever got out. Can't wait to see what she does next! (I'm assuming she doesn't have a name right now. Seeing as she's just an experiment and all. Does she get one later?) Um...I can't figure out what "Basid Bire" means. I know Bire = Sire, but the "Basid" part is confusing me... Oh, wait, nevermind. I just reread. It's Acid Fire. XD Now for some concrit! My Inner Grammar Nazi is demanding that I point out the following things: --Capitalize the first letter in the first word of a sentence. --"Lose" means "to lose a game." "Loose" means "my shoelace is loose" or "the dog got loose". --I think "whacked" has an H in it after the W... --"Pegasuses" would be more than one Pegasus. "Pegasus's" indicates singular possessive. Though when using a plural form of Pegasus, I prefer the term Pegasi. Of course, technically, there ISN'T a plural form of Pegasus, because mythologically there was only ever ONE, so there can't BE a plural...shutting up now. Hee. Yeah. I have a very demanding Inner Grammar Nazi. Hope you don't mind. ;D Can't wait to see what happens next!
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Post by Battlefield on Feb 24, 2009 13:12:15 GMT -5
I'm going to be following this story.
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Post by sunstar on Feb 24, 2009 15:18:45 GMT -5
thanks for all the crit! it helps! She will get a name as the story develops.
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Post by sunstar on Feb 28, 2009 23:47:46 GMT -5
All she wanted to do now was get as far as she could from the compound. the Alicorn was amazed at the world below her. It was green, and brown. after flying for some time, something blue glittered in the distance. the Alicorn flew toward it, and landed on something warm and brown. minutes later, She recognized the brown stuff as sand. that met that the blue was an ocean, which met she'd found water. in the distance, something brown floated on the water. being too thirsty to care at the moment, the Alicorn took a drink, and made a face. this water was salty. At least it was water. the greenish sludge that passed for water back at the compound tasted worse then this. the sound of rushing water came to her from near by and she went toward this. A cool clear stream bubbled nosily toward the ocean. the Alicorn took a tentative drink and nearly squealed in delight at the fresh cold taste. she drank her fill. now to find food. something red glinted on a bush near the stream. upon closer inspection, she recognized the berry as a raspberry. She ate her fill of those delicious berries. feeling tired, the Alicorn curled up on the warm sand for a nap.
Something cold was splashing her. Franticly waking, thinking the ponies from the compound had found her, the alicorn woke and noticed that the ocean had crawled up the beach. It was now lapping at her lower legs and tail. She dragged herself up the beach, away from the water. her head shot up as she listened. Something crunched through the trees. Not thinking in terror, the Alicorn hurled herself air borne and raced out over the water. behind her, lights lit up the beach as white coats scoured the beach, looking for her.
Her wings ached with exhaustion. She kept going. She was over open water now within no sight of land. Her body began to throb with exhaustion, and it was all she could do to keep her wings moving. After awhile, she stopped moving her wings and crashed into the ocean. She didn't fight. she was just too tired to resist the water. unknown to her, a net rose around her and she was hauled aboard a ship, which was the brown thing she'd seen on the water.
"Its an alicorn filly! poor thing! she must have wore herself out from flying!" a pretty pink unicorn mare gasped.
"She is just bones, Twilight! She is a pretty little thing, too. She must have mountain clan in her because her feet are furry." a blue green Alicorn stallion joined his wife, "She is still breathing."
"Poor thing must have come from the islands. God knows how she survived as long as she did. Can we take her in, Seascape?" Twilight asked.
"We will take her in. She needs a loving family. her symbol, I've never seen a raised symbol before." Seascape smiled, "Barnacle! Salty! Seastar! come meet your new sister!"
"She's an alicorn like you, dad! and Seastar!" Salty was a green blue earthling stallion.
"Dose she have a name?" Barnacle was a blue earthling stallion, and he was the oldest of the three siblings.
"She is so white." Seastar was the last to arrive. Seastar was the youngest of the siblings, and she was a pink alicorn.
"Lets get her inside." Seascape carried the little white alicorn into the ship. -------------------------------------------------
"What do you mean you can't find her? you better have a good explanation!" Acid Fire snarled.
"Aye would be abel tho thack her if by bose wasn't boken." Skydancer offered.
"And I'm injured." the earthling snapped.
"Still, Skydancer, Snuzzle, that's no excuse!" Acid Fire hissed. then he smiled cruelly.
"Release the demon experiments." he ordered.
Skydancer paled, and Snuzzle swallowed. both ponies had a good reason to fear the demon experiments. White coats often vanished without a trace while working down by their cages. there were seven all together. their leader seemed to be Black Dragon the blood red demon alicorn.
"Are you sure?" Skydancer asked.
"Yes, now go!" Acid Fire thundered, sending the two stallions scurrying.
They went toward the demon lair, as the portion of the cells were called. of the 50 cells in the wing, only eleven were occupied. these cells were big and spacious. In the first cell sat Black Dragon, a fearsome looking demon Alicorn. all of the demon experiments were twice the size of normal ponies. Black Dragon was the first demon experiment Acid Fire created, and was considered something of a pet to Acid Fire. he was blood red with black wings, eyes, horns, and hooves. his hair was black, blood red, and bone white. All of the demon experiments had two black horns above their eyes. his symbol was a fire breathing black dragon. in the cell to his left was his mate, Satanica. She was dark green with frilly ears. her tail was that of a dolphin and she had paws instead of hooves. a single fin rose from her back and her chest was light green. her eyes were green. Her feet were ringed in fur. her symbol was a pentagram. in the cell opposite them, was their daughter, Lucifina. Lucifina had her mothers tail, but her fathers colors, and horn. she also had a fin on her back and frilly ears. her symbol was a pentagram surrounded by flames. Further down from her was a male pony with a shark tail. This was Shark. he had white hair and a green blue body. his fore legs ended in paws while his hind legs ended in hooves. he had a shark fin on his back. his eyes were white and he had frilly ears. he was also blind. the last four cells had been joined together to create a large space for a large tank. three octopus ponies lived in the tank. the largest was a big white male with sea green hair. he was known as Kracken. Kracken had green eyes and black suction cups. he had ten legs instead of the traditional eight legs. in his tank were two smaller females, his daughters. Seastone, the sea green female, was the older one. her hair and eyes were yellow. She only had six legs instead of eight legs. her younger sister was Sealight, a sea blue baby pony with eight legs. her hair and eyes were yellow like her sister. Kracken was very protective of his daughters. Skydancer opened the cells.
"Acid Fire wants you to hunt and bring back the white Alicorn alive. do him proud. She is like you, an experiment, and a demon." Snuzzle ordered.
"We'll bring her back for you." Satanica purred as she walked by, following the ever silent Black Dragon. Skydancer pushed a button, and the three largest cells rumbled, the tanks being slid back and lowered into a pony made river so they could join the hunt.
"We'll be successful." Shark added, joining his comrades outside. the demons took off, chasing the sent of their lost sister. Kracken and his daughters hit the ocean alongside Satanica, Shark, and Lucifina. Black Dragon joined them moments later, in his sea serpent form.
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Post by Battlefield on Mar 1, 2009 1:12:45 GMT -5
I'm now intrigued about the experimental demon ponies. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
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caelum
Full Member
Resident Grammar Nazi! XD
Posts: 184
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Post by caelum on Mar 1, 2009 15:17:04 GMT -5
Nice chapter! Glad the Alicorn was found by some nice ponies! Aww, and she's just a filly! I have to admit, I burst out laughing when the two ponies decided to adopt her. They were like, "OMG weird random half-drowned alicorn HEY LET'S ADOPT HER KIDS LOOKIT YOUR NEW SISTER!!!" XD Yeah. ;D All-in-all, good chapter! I have just one complaint, which you really should take into consideration. I notice that your demon experiment ponies are pretty much the same as CorpseyPuff's My Little Demons. Did you get her permission to use her characters? Because if you did, you should write that down somewhere. And if you didn't get permission, well...you should really alter the character designs and names. See, technically, those characters are intellectual property, and using them without permission is...well, it's the same as stealing. Now, CorpseyPuff probably won't sue someone for using her characters without permission, especially given the fact that Hasbro owns MLP to begin with, but still. It's the principal of the thing. And it's also impolite. I mean, I know if someone was using Sunstar without your permission, you'd be upset. Same goes for Lunarstar or Battlefield or Thunderflash or Rankle or any other OCs. I hope you don't think I'm being mean, because really, I'm not. I just want everyone to understand and respect the concept of intellectual property. Because, you know, it's kinda important, and polite. Can't wait for the next chapter!
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Post by sunstar on Mar 1, 2009 20:44:04 GMT -5
Really? I went back over the descriptions of the demon ponies and they do sound a lot like Corpsey Puffs my little demons. I'll have to go back and fix that. thanks for noticing that and pointing it out to me. What I'm going to do is atler and scrap some of the demons. I'm in love with the octopus ponies, and I have ideas of my own that I'm going to use.
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